


Who Am I?

by lrhaboggle



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angsty Perry, Confusion, F/F, Gender, Other, Poor Perry, S1, Sad Perry, Sexuality, angst everywhere, minor Transphobia, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-26 03:58:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14992253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lrhaboggle/pseuds/lrhaboggle
Summary: Everyone knew that Perry had a hard time accepting Lafontaine's transition, but does anyone know WHY?





	Who Am I?

Perry sobbed softly into her pillow. There was no one else in her dorm room at the moment. It was just her and her thoughts. At a moment like this, though, Perry was glad. She didn't think she could handle anyone right now. She didn't want to have to face any other human being for a little bit. Instead, she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts and her tears. She even made sure to lock her dorm door. This was a slightly risky move as someone else did share the dorm with her, but Perry was pretty sure that the someone else in question wasn't going to be back for awhile…

Perry's sobbing got just a bit louder as she recalled the memory.

"Listen! Enough with this 'Lafontaine-Nonbinary-Genderqueer' nonsense!" Perry had shouted at her roommate and best friend of 13 years. "You are Susan, you are a girl! It's what you've always been and it's what you'll always be! This whole 'not being Susan anymore' is just some passing phase or stupid trend of yours, but you've got to knock it off! We have more important things than you experimenting with new pronouns! We've got bigger things to figure out than what to call you."

"Perry," Lafontaine tried to interrupt, but for once, Perry was taking on the more aggressive role and continued to talk right over Lafontaine.

"I know college is a time for exploration, but get perspective! With all this other weird crap, we've got bigger fish to fry than your so-called 'gender identity'. It's just a phase and you know it! It'll pass the same way your obsession with dissecting frogs did!"

"Perry," Lafontaine tried again, but Perry still continued ranting.

Finally, however, Lafontaine got sick of listening to Perry's accusatory sermon.

"LOLA PERRY!" Lafontaine shouted, voice loud enough even to catch Perry off guard.

"Yes?" she asked in a small voice.

"I know it may be extremely hard for you to wrap your shallow, selfish little brain around but, news flash, I'm not a girl," Lafontaine growled.

"Then what are you?" Perry asked, partly frustrated and partly frightened. She still wished Lafontaine would shut up about this gender nonsense but, at the same time, Perry could sense that she might've finally reached Lafontaine's last nerve and that wasn't a good thing to reach.

"I don't know," Lafontaine admitted. "But I know that whatever it is, it's not 'your Susan', as though you control me or my life!"

"Hold on, I never said-" Perry tried to defend herself, but now Lafontaine was the one doing the interrupting.

"You may have never said you controlled my life, but if you would just stop and listen to yourself, you'd hear how demanding and demeaning you're being. I mean, invalidating my feelings and identity just because they're things you don't like or understand? How possessive is that?! Listen, Perry, there are more than two genders. That's a scientific fact. It may not be one you like, but you can't just deny it because it bothers you! Because it means a lot to me! Ever since high school, I'd never felt right in my own skin and now I finally, finally understand why. This hasn't been easy or fun for me either! Don't take this away from me just because you don't like it. I'm not Susan anymore!"

"But Susan was my friend," Perry tried.

"Well maybe that'll give you something to think about," Lafontaine growled. "And maybe you should make Lafontaine your friend too, eh?"

And that was where their talk had ended. Lafontaine stormed out of the door after that when Perry couldn't offer up a reply. Barely 10 seconds later, Perry had collapsed upon her bed and wept, door locked and room painfully devoid of the warmth it used to hold.

So now here Perry lay, grieving for all that she had lost. The longer she was left alone, the more she began to understand how controlling she was and she did genuinely begin to regret the way she'd treated Lafontaine, but at the same time, there was still something holding Perry back from accepting this new side of her old friend. As horrible as that sounded, Perry just couldn't wrap her mind around Lafontaine's transition. She wondered why, and finally, something sort of resembling an answer finally popped up…

Perry had been inclined to normality all her life. That drive for normality spanned every little thing she ever did, from the clothes she wore to the food she ate to the games she played to the people she associated with. In high school, however, she'd started to fall in love with Lafontaine, who had been Susan at the time. Perry, at first, tried to ignore and dismiss her feelings just because they were so not-normal. But when the feelings for Susan only grew stronger, Perry tried to justify them. It wasn't really a genuinely romantic love, it was just one of those girl-crushes that every girl got for one of her best friends. It wasn't really a deep sexual attraction, it was just teenage hormones! Perry was so in denial about her sexuality that she explained away every feeling she ever had for Susan, but then finally, when Susan had kissed her one night, Perry was forced to fess up.

The kiss had been platonic, but it set off a spark in Perry's heart and it was then that she knew, well and truly, she was attracted to other women. She was lesbian, or maybe bisexual since she had been in love with guys before, though that might've just been because of the hetero-normative world she lived in. But either way, after years of agonizing over her sexual orientation, Perry finally accepted the fact that she might've been gay. It was embarrassing and difficult, but after Perry finally embraced who she was, she began to realize her true self. She did finally confirm with herself that she was entirely lesbian because, although she'd had crushes on guys before, they had only ever been because it was what society expected of girls and Perry always loved to be normal! But now, after finally studying up a little, Perry felt confident enough to at least admit that she wasn't straight, even if the thought still bothered her a little.

But now look where she was. After spending so long agonizing over her sexuality, she'd only just begun to make peace with it when Susan, or Lafontaine, went and did this! By changing her, their, gender, Lafontaine was effectively forcing Perry to change her sexuality. After all that worrying and explaining away of her orientation, Perry was forced to go back to that dark place and reevaluate everything she'd fought so hard to come to terms with. In Lafontaine's one simple decision to accept their own nonbinary gender, they were forcing Perry to rewrite her orientation and that was a very hard thing for someone like Perry to do. Perry was, after all, very inclined to normality and order. This change had rocked her entire world and that wasn't a fun or good thing.

"I mean, what would I even call myself now?" she lamented into her pillow. "Is there a term for a girl madly in love with her genderqueer friend? I can't be gay anymore because that implies I'm only attracted to women, but I'm attracted to Lafontaine and Lafontaine is not a woman. Lafontaine is… well… something else. But then what does that make me? Who am I now? Who am I anymore? What is an identity that works for me? Who am I?" Perry continued to ask, but she was all alone again and no one answered. Perry was left alone with her thoughts and tears, wondering once again who she was and feeling lost because she had no clue at all.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Sorry about the angst, but this was inspired off a post saying that part of the reason Perry had a hard time accepting Lafontaine's transition was because it rewrote Perry's own identity (just with sexuality instead of gender) and Perry had already taken so long to accept herself as someone who was gay that forcing her to go back and rewrite her sexuality again wasn't easy for her. Especially because it threw Perry's pension for order and organization out the window and there really aren't too many popularized terms for someone attracted to a nonbinary person (and potentially women if we do say that Perry has the capacity to be attracted to girls. I don't really have a headcanon for Perry's sexual orientation). 
> 
> Also inspired off and AO3 writer named PsychoCalixteLove. He's a good friend of mine and wants to write a Pitch Perfect fic where one character is a transgirl and her girlfriend doesn't take too kindly to it just because it is such a big change and ultimately, both of them end up having to revaluate their lives because this one event effected both of them deeply. 
> 
> Once again, sorry for the angst and please PM me if anything seems insensitive or out of place. Or just leave a review! I love reviews!


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